You Cannot Remake Conan

I did recently get a chance to see the new Conan the Barbarian. Yup, I saw it. I’ve been busy, and unable to completely surmise my thoughts, which are a strange mixture of amusement and total disappointment. So, I shall start by saying that my worst fears were confirmed. I previously commented on this blog that it would be a mistake to try and remake the original Conan the Barbarian film. This film, though it does not follow the original’s plot closely was to close for comfort for me, and I suspect many fans. This film is another origins story; it begins with Conan’s childhood, takes us into his adulthood, and gives us a big adventure. This immediately created an enormous psychological hurdle for me and the fans that have grown up with Arnold as Conan. It’s a hurdle that the best actors and script could not jump with much ease. The film starts from the beginning of Conan’s life, and as I watched it images of the 1984 movie immediately and helplessly came to my mind. I remember vividly the parts with young Conan and his father as he explains to him the riddle of steel, of the sword being forged during the credits, the horrific sacking of his village, and the brutal beheading of his mother as Conan is holding her hand. The opening scenes of that film were disturbing yet artfully done. This film begins instead with two terribly unbelievable scenes, one in which an eight year old Conan kills five armed men with his bare hands. The moment Khalar Sing shows up, I was groaning, rolling my eyes, and missing Thulsa Doom. Stephen Lang was’nt bad as Khalar Sing, he just was such a typical “bad guy.” He’s scary looking, fights well, has henchmen and, big surprise, wants to rule the world. Thulsa Doom’s powers were mystical and psychological, he could explain the philosophy behind riddle of steel, then tell a young maiden to kill herself and she would-all to demonstrate that the greatest power is the power to manipulate and control others. I almost missed Jones more than I did Schwarzenegger.

In fact, nobody’s performance was bad, they just weren’t great and had huge shoes to fill. Jason Mamoa plays the part of Conan well, but for most people makes a mistake that is totally out of his control-he’s not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold’s persona and interpretation of John Milius’ script is still irrevocably Conan. I think Mamoa did a great job, I even would argue his portrayal is closer to Howard’s work than Arnold’s was. I place much of the blame for this film’s mediocrity outside of his control. I enjoyed Mamoa as Conan, and Rachel Nichols was like able in her role as a nun of some kind. Rose Mcgowan steals the show at times as a perfectly evil witch with steal claws. Mcgowan’s character is one of those that you love to hate, and she clearly stands out as the best actor in the film.

I will say with a lot of boldness that had I made a Conan film now, I would have approached everything differently. I argued previously it would be possible to accept a new Conan in the same way people have accepted several actors as James Bond. Connery was great as Bond, it’s even shocking to think someone could have replaced him. Then Rodger Moore did become Bond, and was great as the 007. The character Conan hypothetically can have adventures forever in his world, and we can follow the best of them as the audience. I would have changed the actor but kept some continuity with the old films. I would have retained the distinctive musical score by Basil Poledoris that was so important to the old films . The gritty, realistic look of the old films should have been retained, instead of so much green screen computer graphics work. In this case, the updated special effects added nothing to the film. Although Mako has passed away, the same opening should have been used. “Between the times when the oceans drank Atlantis……” It is classic stuff. I would not have shown Conan’s origins again. I just would have had a new adventure, and cast a very physically fit actor in his late thirties to early forties as Conan. This Conan would be more mature Conan…we saw him as a child, saw him become a warrior, and witnessed him as a young man. The next Conan is in a new stage of his life, as a more battle worn and wiser fighter. I would picture an actor like Nicholas Cage or Hugh Jackman as Conan. Don’t try to erase the old Conan, just continue the myth in the characteristic style of the other two. Arguably, this is what the James Bond franchise did with great success.

So, did I hate the film? No. I just think it was a typical silly modern action movie trying to “update” an eighties classic in an overdone modern style that ultimately failed. It was not as terrible as the Clash of the Titans remake, but that’s not much of a complement. Classics don’t get old, that’s why their classics. People don’t stop loving Star Wars because Chewbaca looks fake now, he somehow still works. Yeah, the giant snake in the original Conan looks horribly fake now, and the vampire-which wasn’t computer animated but so what. The niche that loves this movie did not need or want it updated. For us, you cannot remake Conan the Barbarian anymore than you can remake Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Casablanca, or the Godfather. A wildly new creative take on Conan would have been appreciated; somehow this film still feels like a shallow, silly remake of a classic.